I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just had sex on a roof
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
