booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
