Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
