He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
