I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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