3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i just had sex bonerless
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
