You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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