Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
