I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
