Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
