It's a beautiful day for a hangover
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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