So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
