3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Randomize
