she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
