Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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