I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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