i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I feel like death gave me a hand job
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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