my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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