Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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