I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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