halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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