I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
