oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just had sex on a roof
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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