I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
please don't ironically join a cult
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