Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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