Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
