Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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