dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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