so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
