On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
