i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
