he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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