Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
