i wish starbucks made bloody marys
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
