I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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