Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
