i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
What drink are we having for lunch?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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