Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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