Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
It's never too late to be topless.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
