beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
