Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
