You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
