do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
