How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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