they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
