I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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