Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
