Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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