your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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