I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
